TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of place. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Certainly, certain, let's have An additional put where by American Adult males can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer Everybody a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he really should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to make of the. Trump Tower Damascus "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where my PTSD may have transform-down service."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

Report this page